I don't think that I have the skills required to be a good mother, I would drown my young. I do however think that I am a fairly decent and polite human being - so I feel qualified to to judge the actions of others in the Maverick Fillmore Women's Restroom.
I should have realized I was making a bad choice when I pulled in to the parking lot and there was a playground covered in tiny humans, but I had to pee, so my judgement was clouded. My friend Rachel, also not a mother, and I were traveling back from St. George with DaveCall. We walked in to adventure's first stop and made our way back to the bathroom. DaveCall walked straight in to the men's room, I faced a line of fifteen at the women's bathroom. There were six adults and nine children in line for four stalls. For the first time in my life I wished I had a penis, seriously, first time. I realized that tiny humans get potty trained and need to use the restroom, but why does that mean the mom has to take them. I realize that you don't "see" things in a restroom with stalls and doors, but it was the penis that brought these tiny humans in to this world and it is the penis that should take them to the bathroom.
These nine children belonged to three mothers. Children who in my mind were too old to be fighting over who gets to pee with mom. I have always been an independent person, and as long as I can remember have believed that peeing was just me time, I don't invite my mother in. Somehow the oldest and youngest children went in to the stall with mom and the the middle three of her litter were left to fend on their own. The middle child, who I am guessing was at least eight, decided that she was going to shove her face in the crack of every stall and shout, " Mom I can see you" or my other favorite "Mom where are you?" She did this to every stall. Not once did her mother say, "Knock it off. Stand in line and stop being a pervert." or at the very least call her by her full name. Being called RANDI LYNNE always meant that I was in trouble - I do a sweet imitation of my dad shouting it, if you see me ask...but I digress, this post isn't about my parents stopping me from being a crappy kid, this is about one mother's disregard for social etiquette. I thought to myself, does this mother just not notice? is she hoping that someone will take this obviously obnoxious tiny human there by ridding her of the pain of raising it, or has she just lost her will to care?
Being the child with a bank account that I am and favoring my passive aggressive nature over actual confrontation I decided to further the uncomfortableness. I am sure that you are asking me how this makes me a decent human as I stated earlier but alas, I am a comic first, decent human second. In the words of Daniel Tosh, "I apologize if I offend you. I am not going to guess where your line of decency is, I cross my own from time to time, it's how I know I still have one."
I looked at Rachel and said, very loudly, "I can't wait until you go in to a stall! I am going to peak my head under the door." The only other lady (she was 50ish) in the bathroom not herding a group of tiny peers laughed - this is trouble as now I know I have an audience. "Rachel, I am really sad that we are the only people peeing in a stall all by ourselves, will you join me." Rachel timed in perfectly, "Maybe we could lap sit." Now the lady is really laughing. A stall opens up and I go in, alone, but not finished. As I pee I dangle my flip flop out the door and shout, "Rachel, can you see my shoes, Rachel I'm showing you my shoes, Rachel why aren't you answering me." I then realized that there was a fake mustache stuck to my rainbow flip flop, which is just funny on it's own, and I now proceed to attempt to remove it. The removing of the mustache was impossible, if I got it off of one it was then stuck to the other - keep mind that I am still peeing while doing this. Rachel came and stomped on the mustache and I was free.
The lady in line was still laughing, the mother's were not. Oh I get it, it is okay for your kids to be obnoxious but not me. I know that I am at least twenty years older than the kids, so some of you might be judging me. I don't see it as me vs tiny humans. I see it as me vs the mother. Mother of five (who I am most certain was younger than me) please try, all I am asking is for you to try to wrangle your child in. I know that you can't control their every movement and that they will be little shits, but you can at least say, "HEY, stop looking in the stall doors." You get to choose to bring your litter in to the restroom, I am forced to share it with them, so I ask that you choose to keep them somewhat in line. If you don't I might just have to start a conversation about the existence of Santa with the child you have decided to leave me with - trust me it will be a day to remember, consider yourself warned.
I love everything you do. Never stop.
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