Your knockers are off the charts! Randi's helpful hints for driving.

I don't claim to be the greatest driver that ever lived - top million for sure, but I do have some helpful hints for winter driving/driving in general.

1. When it is snowing I don't care if you honk, give me a dirty look, flip me off or tail me - I will continue to drive slow. Feel free to pass me in the wide open lane next to us. There is a reason the US Olympic Ski Team didn't pick the 1999 Honda Civic as their official vehicle.

2. If it is snowing/raining/dusk for the love of all that is holy turn your lights on. This is especially true if your car is white(snow storm) or silver/grey (rain/dusk).

3. Blinkers are not optional. If you are so inclined to come over in to my lane, please feel free to use your blinker to show me that you would like to be a part of my lane, I don't read minds I don't know your coming over.

4. Do NOT cut me off all balls to the wall style and the proceed to go ten under the speed limit....this just really sends mixed messages to me. It's like going to a bar in a low cut shirt and then being offended when some says, "Your knockers are off the charts."*

*Clearly no one has ever made mention of my hooters, otherwise I would have had a better line than "Your knockers are off the charts."

5. I must have trust issues. I have never once thought it would be a great idea to come from the Ft. Union on ramp and cut in one fluid motion all the way over to the fast lane all during rush hour traffic, and yet each morning some trusting soul believes that the rest of us will clear them a path to the fast lane, only have them do the same maneuver back over to get on to I-15.

6. I think the stick figure stickers on the back of your car are tacky. I think less of you if you have them. They don't actually look like your family. What happens when you get a divorce? Do you scrape the sticker of your SOB spouse off, or do you let me know they have the kids by time sharing the stickers as well? The odds are not in your favor, just don't do it....unless the sticker is one sad 30 something girl with 87 cat stickers. (Jess & Em this is for you).

7. My friend helped free someone who was stuck in a snow bank. He noticed she had 4WD, and asked why she wasn't using it. Her reply, "My husband keeps showing me how to use it, but I just can't remember what to do." Why does she have 4WD? Why is she even allowed to drive, this truly terrifies me. She is probably the same person who parks her overly ostentatious car in two prime spots at Fashion Place Mall - I loathe this type of human.

8. My birthday is in January, so I learned to drive in the snow. I am always thankful for two tips George shared with me. Always leave two car lengths between you and the stopped car in front of you and always start out in second gear - these tips prove handy time and time again.

9. Apply the rules of the road to driving your shopping cart. Drive your cart on the right side of the isle, look before pulling out in to the isle, don't park your cart in the middle of the isle and walk away, realize you are not the only cart in Costco, buckle your children in to the cart. I go to a very dark place in my soul when I have to push a cart at Costco. I consider it a personal win that I have never told someone to **** OFF for horrid cart driving, though I have thought it many times.

10. I wonder if Dale Earnhardt, prior to his death, was an awesome driver on the regular roads?

Stats for my baseball card, because I don't know if they have football cards

I am sitting on the sofa watching football. Watching might be too strong a word. The TV is on and football is playing, but I am not focused on it, I am also on the Internet, day dreaming and irritated by the bug bite on my tuchas. What does keep catching my attention from the TV is that the commentators are so quick with good and bad facts about the players. It makes me wonder if someone was a commentator on my life what kinds of things they would say.

"Randi trips for the fifth time today."

"Randi forgot to put on deodorant again and now we are all paying the price."

"Randi is four times more likely to make herself laugh than the average human."

"Randi has watched Twilight 87 times since she bought it."

"Randi has more shoes than any other resident of Chateau Foret."

"Randi was offered $50 by DaveCall's Grandmother, if she married DaveCall. Randi turns it down as she has her own $50." (that one made me laugh out loud as I typed it.).

"Randi is still unable to spell after 30 years of practice - she really is quite lucky to live in a world where spell check exists."

God is an Englishman and other childhood myths

My English grandfather had a book entitled God is an Englishman. It sat on the bookshelf at the bottom of the stairs. I was a child and it was a grown-up book, so I never bothered reading it. I also never read the bible, but I had read a few excerpts, and so my young mind surmised that yes, God must be an Englishman and that is why the bible sounds so formal. I think I was in my mid teens before I realized that this logic wasn't 100% accurate.

We went to DaveCall's Grandfather's funeral yesterday. At the after funeral luncheon/family Christmas party people got up and shared their favorite WayneCall (David that is for you) memories. DaveCall talked about the bear skin that his grandfather had. Each time young DaveCall (technically he was only David at this point in his life, his girlfriend who refuses to call him David hadn't started making each waking moment a living hell just yet....but wait I digress) would ask WayneCall how he became the owner of the bear skin, DaveCall would get a different story.....not one of the Call grandchildren knew the true story, and they had to turn to their grandmother to find out the truth. I will save you the truth, it was boring. I would have made up a story too.

I wonder if DaveCall was a grandfather what sort of myths he would pass on to his tiny humans' humans......

It's my blog, I'll say balls if I want to.....

I am awkward. If you are reading this my awkwardness should be no surprise to you. I am especially awkward at funerals. I am attending a funeral on Tuesday, which means I am going to cry inappropriately. I can't help it, it is who I am. So in order to curb some of the awkwardness I have decided to write about balls. I will think of this post during the funeral and perhaps it will make me smile instead of "ball"ing like a baby.

My Top Five Favorite Ball Stories, in no particular order.

1. When I am upset, flustered, irritated or drop something I like to say BALLS, but I really like to say it like BAWLS for emphasis. It is most often shouted when playing nintendo games. I feel like it is more lady like than saying shit.

2. I played Junior Jazz for two seasons as an adolescent, it's okay I will wait while you let that soak in. I didn't know that you switched baskets after the half, so the only basket I made counted for the other team.

3. My entire family was once riding in a 15 passenger van. "Someone" (to protect the innocent, and I don't mean DaveCall this time) asked if I preferred uniballs or sharpies. They were asking about pens, but that is not where my mind went, I began laughing uncontrollably. I then got called by my full name RANDI LYNNE! For the record sharpie pens are my absolute favorite, they make me happy in ways I cannot fully express.

4. I work in a store that sells "decorative orbs" or balls as they are often called. I giggle each time a customer asks, "Do you have any balls", "You gave me 40% off on my balls right" or my personal favorite "Could I put my blue balls on hold." Truly I am no better than a child with a bank account.

5. I don't actually have five stories about balls. BALLS! Five things about balls just sounded better than four.

You Shouldn't Have

I am watching the Today show and they are going over great gift ideas. The presenter said that you can't go wrong with Ralph Lauren candles-everyone would love one. This girl wouldn't and for numerous reasons.

1. I have a candles-being-lit-phobia. I am sure that this stems from having our apartment go up in flames when I was a child. I have candles that I have never lit that I still have to make sure are not lit before I go on vacation (don't judge, I'm being honest). For those of you keeping track at home - I have had a home go up in flames and a home flooded, are you sure you think it is safe to live with me DaveCall?

2. A Ralph Lauren candle?!? Ralph you have great shirts, boots and dresses - but candles? You name on this ball of wax means that it can be sold for five times the actual value. I think that if someone gave me a Ralph Lauren candle I would look at it and then say, "I'm not really in to Ralph, I've always preferred Tommy." This is a lie, I've never cared for Tommy.

3. A tartan candle? Who needs a tartan candle? The only person that needs a tartan candle is someone who has a library full of wooden ducks. Oh no, I can't have this tartan it is the rival clan's tartan. This would also be a lie because I am a Smith, not a McSmith - I don't even know if Smith's have a tartan or a rival clan.

4. If you are giving me a tartan Ralph Lauren candle it means you don't know me at all, and it just really wasn't necessary for you to give me a gift, and so you shouldn't have. A warm smile and a Happy Holidays would mean more.

In the Beginning

In the beginning there was a girl, a krispy kreme, a fingernail and a witty boy. If I haven't told you the story of how I met DaveCall you should ask me, it involves everything in the previous sentence and is pretty damn funny.